[The smile on the vampire's face tugs a tick wider at that. Usually one to put himself in the role of teacher, guardian, or gentleman to others, he's not used to someone else promising they'll protect him, even in a light-hearted way like this. It's the kind of thing he dismisses, because he's managed on his own for so long, and knows very well his own physical strength and experience in the world.
What if he did try something different, and tried to allow himself to relinquish a little responsibility?
Fanciful and silly. But maybe worth seeing what comes of it, for once? At least trying it? And then if it's not something he's suited for the way he already assumes, he can discard the idea again.]
Is there anything I ought to know beforehand? [A slightly confused, and calculating pause.] You don't have to wear jeans to ride a motorcycle, do you? [Not that he would mind, exactly, he.... just doesn't own any.] Everyone on motorcycles always seems to be wearing jeans, [he explains, belatedly.]
[ Maybe it's a bit of luring. Maybe it's a bit of wanting to give Charles a special night, to take care of him, and be cared for by him, and let them truly have a full night of it. Together. ]
You don't have to wear jeans and I promise I'll be dressed up too. I have clips to keep your trousers safe. Promise.
[ Kyle smiles though as he leans in, kissing the corner of Charles' mouth. ]
Though, if you want, I can wear leathers. Not that I think you're looking for a bad boy image from me, of all people.
Otherwise you just have to not make sudden movements, and stay close to me.
[Clips? He didn't know motorcycles had clips, and there's another brief, considering, pause as he tries to imagine what that might look like as something to protect pants. Pinning them to the bike to keep them from touching parts with motor oil on them, maybe? Surely he doesn't seem so prissy as to be that attached to staying clean...?
The confusion doesn't last long, though, before Kyle kissing him pulls him out of his thoughts. He blinks, and then auburn eyebrows twitch up with something that's between surprised, and in a flash of a less guarded moment, being a little charmed by the other vampire offering again to protect him.]
No, [he admits with an amused sound, as Kyle reads him in one.] I'm afraid I haven't seen much of the appeal. Too much time spent in the East End being cornered by vampires in leather pants, I think. 'Bad boy' there always meant something very real.
[But the thought is a little tantalizing? That's... not as usual.]
[That does give Kyle pause for a moment. He considers that, the image in his head definitely one he's never had. How vampires might run in gangs and what that might do to a person. ]
It's kind of funny. Some of the most dangerous men I've known wore tailored suits. I'm still uncertain about the closet full of them I have.
[ A dictator from another planet. An original vampire. ]
Or military uniforms.
But we could both wear jeans. A little casual so we can be comfortable and whatever comes of the night?
[That's an interesting insight into Kyle's life back in Roswell. Government and military agents trying to tangle with aliens, he assumes? Something to do with Area 51-like activities? He really doesn't have much experience with this kind of extraterrestrial...stuff.
He puts a pin it in for now, as something to ask Kyle more about later. Maybe while on this latest date.]
Why not? [Why not? He's sure he could find something appropriate on short notice, in the end.] If we're already going to be on a motorcycle. [Jeans are so punk rock.]
[ Kyle can't help but to smile at that. Despite himself, he can't help but to give Charles a curious look, his gaze flicking down over him and back to that handsome face. ]
Perfect. I admit, I'm looking forward to seeing you in jeans.
[ It isn't as if they haven't been intimate, but there's something about Charles being willing to dress down for them going out together that he finds intriguing and fun. ]
And how about this weekend? I think I can clear it with work that we're both off.
[That, and the quick elevator gaze, earn a bit of a warm laugh from him.]
If it's at all as intriguing as that, then it seems like the right choice. [Mental note: buy jeans. That won't take long or involve having to make a lot of personal aesthetic choices, right?
And at that, Charles nods, and then takes the other man's face in his hands to kiss him again.]
There are definite advantages to knowing the administrator.
It is. I hadn't thought about it until now, but I don't think I've ever seen you in them. Though only if you're comfortable in them.
[ Not thinking about the fact that he might not even own them, seeing it more as a professional choice. Even as they tease about that with the time off and what follows.
Sliding a hand along Charles waist, just wanting to continue with those kisses as he chuckles softly. ]
I'll pick you up then about seven and I've got some ideas for the night.
Anything you want, [he says, surprising himself a little in the process with how easily, and willingly, the words flow from him. He knows himself well enough to know that he does have certain hard lines in the sand for what he will, or won't, do, but right now? The feeling of wanting to, when it means more time with this man, feels true.
He follows that feeling, and puts his arms around Kyle to further close the distance between them.] Really.
[It's safe to say that, when he trusts Kyle wouldn't put either of them in some kind of position they didn't truly want. Even if that was discovered after the fact.]
[ Kyle knows those can be very serious words. They are for him, who has faced how far some can go when you say anything but he also knows that Charles has nothing to fear from those words when they're said to Kyle.
Which is why it makes his chest feel tight and he can feel the prickling at the corner of his eyes as he shifts in with that touch, leaning in close as he kisses Charles tenderly. Yet there's a lot of emotions in that kiss. The talk may be about jeans, but they still mean a lot to him. ]
You know I feel the same, right? There's very little I think I'd want to deny you.
[ Kyle wants Charles to know it isn't blind trust, the kind he's dealt with in the past. No, it's about trust in the other, and faith in who they are. ]
[Charles presses himself into the other man's hold as he comes closer to kiss him, opening himself up to all the affection he's being offered. It's wonderful, really, and if he had a heartbeat, undoubtedly it would be telegraphing, properly, how alive being with this man makes him feel. The touch of teary emotionality in Kyle's face is endearing, too, and Charles takes it in without comment.
This is who Kyle is, after all. Unguarded in his emotions, and he truly appreciates that about this man -- or maybe it's just that he appreciates him, wholly.]
No? [Charles smiles again, and it's very likely the most entirely warm and loving, and wholly unclouded by any kind of pensiveness, anxiety, or moroseness, smile, that Kyle's ever seen from him in the city.] Then maybe you'll allow me to take a little advantage of your generosity now.
Do you want to go inside with me? [He means something very specific by this.]
[ Kyle's smile grew, wicked and playful as he takes in Charles' words, that beautiful of his smile. Damn but he loves Charles' smile so much but this, there's something about it that he finds breathtaking.
His entire chest just tightens, his heart feeling like it's fluttering as he takes in that smile. It's one of the best moments that Kyle is thankful for his type of vampire's eidetic memory, because being able to remember that smile feels like a gift. ]
You are welcome to take advantage of anything you want right now. [ He takes Charles' hand and lifts it, kissing the back of his knuckles. ]
[That feels like enough consent and interest for him to draw them ahead. He smiles at the kiss to his hand, and then turns his own in Kyle's, so he can lead them calmly back into the beach house. Once inside, if there's a door, he'll shut it quietly behind them both.
And then he turns around, follows the direction his heart is pushing him in right now, and presses himself to the other vampire. There's a little "bump" as the other man's back hits the door behind them lightly, and Charles wraps his hands around the hinges of Kyle's jaw to press their lips together in a passionate, but fundamentally unhurried and savouring, kiss.
None of what's happening is anything that can't be shrugged off, or slowed down if Charles is pressed for that-- he's being deliberately attentive to any physical signals he may feel himself getting from the other man.
But there is a patient kind of passion, and need, in how he kisses the other vampire and starts to smooth an appreciative touch over the length of Kyle's torso.]
[Kyle smiles softly as he follows Charles into the house. There's a desire starting to burn within him that he can't deny. The kind of vampire he is makes his emotions run high, which is not always a great thing for a man who is as open and loving as he is.
But when it's with someone he cares about like he does Charles, he doesn't have any desire to slow down. No desire to fight the urges that drive him, and the emotions that swell in his chest.
The moment his back "hits" the wall, his hands slide along the narrow line of Charles' hips as he arches up against the other man. Not pushing or grinding, just wanting to be near to him, to feel the press of Charles' body against the line of his own.
There's no hiding his desire though in that kiss, the heat of need that brings a small groan from him just at the way the other man tastes, the feel of his touch. ]
[Being met so readily in every way he's reaching for the other man is heady, and everything he might hope for while he's indulging the deepest part of the love, and passion he feels for the man under his hands.
As they kiss and touch one another, there is, too, a sudden and unexpected swell of -- something as Kyle presses against him. It feels like an echo of recognition within him as his lone hand dips, and then slides beneath the hem of Kyle's shirt to start mapping the chill, deliberately-sculpted muscles of the other man's torso. He hates so many aspects of his vampirism - what it's cost him, all the suffering it's brought him ever since he turned, the wicked creature it's made him by default - but is that the source of this feeling? What this is? It feels oddly some kind of innate, animal recognition in being like this with someone else in this way who is the same. There's a confusing feeling of correctness to it - as if they're drone bees crawling over one another in the singular hive, and broader family they belong to. Pieces sliding into the larger puzzle they create together.
It's repulsive and perplexing on a certain level, but also deeply and innately compelling all at once. Charles' hands halt for the briefest moment as he searches himself, automatically, for the beginnings of bloodlust -- that hated condition that always seems to be the source of something new, and frightening happening to him through his vampirism -- and discovers that he's... fine. No fangs. No claws. It's immediately a bizarrely similar situation to when he'd worried about his sexual experience with Caden turning into something violent and terrifying for them both. But there's just ...
nothing.
He's himself. Only-- more, as he touches the other vampire with passion, too. He can feel it. He doesn't know how he knows it, but he does.
Charles immediately works to master the feeling by pouring himself back into the other man again. With a last kiss, he reaches down to take both of Kyle's hands on his hips in his own, squeezing tightly. He then leads them to the nearby couch to settle them both down into it, his knees on either side of Kyle's hips.]
Do you feel that, too? [He honestly has no clue if the other man's specific kind of vampire might be able to, or not: recognize the apparent physical ... sympathy here that feels so clear to him. It would be helpful, make this less confusing if Kyle can, but Charles isn't holding his figurative breath. They aren't the same kind of vampire -- aren't from the same world.]
[ Kyle's energy have always run high. Even as a human in Roswell. Becoming a vampire had only made that more intense.
Yet there is something about being with some people that makes it an entirely different experience. One that he can't entirely explain, doesn't try to, just wants to luxuriate in those sensation for as long as he can.
And yet, of all of that, there is little that he's ever felt that feels like this. Like the way everything seems to go brighter and heavier in all the best ways Kyle can imagine. It's a sensation that Kyle can't put his finger on as everything feel more... more alive was the only way he could describe it, even if he knew that wasn't accurate in anyway.
So when Charles hesitates, Kyle can't help the sound he makes. Soft and plaintive, needful as his arms wrapped tighter around him to feel the press of the taller man's body against his own. Not willing to move away, aching for more of just those kisses, the way Charles' taste on his tongue, and that sensation he can't describe as he lets Charles guide him to the couch.
Controlling his fall back onto the cushions, arching up to press soft kisses where he can. On Charles' chest, against the side of his neck before his head lays back to look up at the other vampire. He blinks at him before slowly nodding. ]
You can feel it too? Really?
[ He hadn't counted on that. Hoped but hadn't been ready to assume. ]
Are you telling me you're magical too?
[ He smiles as he says it, nuzzling at the edge of Charles' jaw, not wanting to lose those tiny touches yet. Or ever. ]
[The other man wants him to keep going, and he wants that too, but he's still stumbling over the odd, and innate sensations of physical connection he's feeling. He could scent the other man's growing arousal before, but how he can feel what apparently are tendrils of it curling in his own body. As if the other man's emotions and sensations are spilling warmly over into him, a distant mirror for Kyle's self. He's deliberately never been a part of a circle of other vampires before, and he doesn't know if it's something that worsens the vampiric condition in those connected through one. This isn't that, surely - they made no direct attempt to connect through any kind of vampiric psychic abilities on either side - but is it similar in some sense? All of this is confusing, but perhaps it's... safe, when they aren't the same kind of vampire? He's immediately suspicious of that aspect, the same way he is with anything to do with his vampirism. The suspicion is necessary, when he can't trust his condition to allow him to make reasonable nor non-violent choices when it's out of his control.
They're not yet at the point in their relationship where he'd recognize this as being something he needs to try and communicate to the other man. But Kyle does it for him anyway, when the other man confirms the apparent connection forming between them. It's not what Charles is expecting at all, and he does stop completely now, watching the other man with evident surprise.
This feels a bit awkward when he's slowing them down, but still sitting over Kyle's lap and pressed against the other man's groin. But there's not much help for that aspect. Charles' hands smooth uncertainly down the other vampire's chest, stopping partway, the tips of his fingers lingering on Kyle's torso, as he's stuck between his own thoughts and the desire to continue going further with his-- now boyfriend.]
I don't know, [he admits. But he would hesitate to call something that feels more animal and instinctual to him, something romantic like 'magical'.
He'll try to lean on the other man's understanding now, when it feels far beyond what he has of this.]
Is this... a risk? [That's what's most important. If either of them are going to end up feeling triggered to a lack of control by having sex, all of this is out of the question-- especially in an open setting like Kyle's house. The thought is a painful one, but he doesn't want what he intends as an act of love, to turn into one of violence or degradation for either of them.] When you've felt it before? Has it ever brought you to bloodlust with another vampire?
[ While it's only been a little over five years since Kyle has been in this place, and four years since he was turned, it feels like a lifetime in so many ways. He knows it's from the constant madness they're surrounded with, the life or death situations, the drugs and the emotions and everything else that comes with it all. It has left him feeling like he's experienced so much more life than he has as a vampire.
And he knows that.
He doesn't know what other vampires. He's lived openly when most never have, but he hasn't experienced as much of their life as others have. Yet he's felt something akin to this. Just once in that time.
Physically he aches to go on, but there's nothing in the man he is that would push any further. Even as his hand lifts, cupping Charles' jaw a moment and then a delicate brush along his shoulder. Just steady himself in those sensations with those soft touches and meeting his gaze. ]
The closest I have felt to this was with my sire, but it wasn't this... clear? I don't know how to explain it, because it's not the same. Not to me.
[ Because to him all of this feels so different, so right in ways things in the past haven't. ]
I want to tell you there's no risk because of the men we are, and the vampires we both want to be. Not because I want you and crave you, which I admit I do, but because I know who we are.
[ He pauses a moment, wanting to be as honest as he can. ]
When I've let myself be claimed by bloodlust, it was a decision, Charles. All but once and that had nothing to do with love and desire but pain. That decision can not be taken from me. I won't say I wouldn't not want to share blood with you, but we haven't talked about if that's something you want, or would work with your vampirism and mine and...
[ He pauses, smiling sheepishly. ]
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I trust myself. Even with you. Do you trust yourself? Because what I know is that it's about conscious choices but I know we're not the same in some things.
[Immediately, there's a confusing swell of emotions that tangle together all at once for the vampire: not wanting to potentially disappoint or hurt the other man by pulling away, not wanting to prove that he has the barriers he does have with many kinds of physical intimacy, the revulsion he feels reflexively at the idea of what he imagines 'sharing blood' to mean (a flash of a mental image of sharing someone else's blood, which he quickly dismisses as what Kyle must not mean), jealousy over the ease the other vampire seems to feel in discussing all of this, and concurrent guilt and shame over his own self-loathing and hesitation in comparison.
It's a lot. Helpfully, Kyle centres it all around a question that's easy to answer, and that he knows his answer for readily. He does not trust himself in his vampirism. He can't imagine how he could begin to, when bloodlust strips him of any sense of control over himself.
Charles fights the desire to pull himself completely away before at least explaining himself. Kyle deserves that much from him.]
I think it must be a different experience for us both. Tell me if I'm wrong in that. [He exhales out his regret, and raises a hand to brush longing fingers over the line of the other man's jaw. All of this started out so well. Shifting a bit, he moves to settle himself beside Kyle on the couch instead, his shoulder pressed into the other man's, as he brings a hand up to pull fingers stressfully through his auburn hair.]
I don't trust myself in what bloodlust makes me into. When I experience it, I want to hurt people. I get satisfaction from it. [He struggles to see that as anything but horrific: being reduced from a fully self-controlled and moral being, into little more than an animal.]
I'm aware that's different with another vampire, but what if I didn't come back before going as far as to do something you couldn't heal from easily? [Naturally, and as prone to preparing himself for the worst case scenario as he is, it's difficult to imagine much less than himself taking things to the extent of killing the other man in some way. It's happened to him before, but never with a vampire that he didn't actually need to kill.] We're healers. However we may fail in that from time to time, isn't something like wanting to hurt people antithetical to who we are-- who we try to be?
[ Kyle's expression softens when Charles speaks. Because he knows from what others have told him that his experience is so different from what others have been through. Anyone who was openly a hunter in this place was easily outnumbered by the number of vampires in this place at any given time.
He's had a daylight ring, and then a tattoo, from the moment he emerged from the water. he's never lived in shadows, never had to hide what he is, and he's always been in a place with magic to help his control and others to stop him without trying to kill him if and when he did lose control. ]
You're not wrong. Not at all. I've lived the... [ He pauses, considering how to word it, and when it hits him he gives a dry laugh. ] I've lived the Disneyfied version of being a vampire the entire time. My sire was the first of his kind. I've always had protections and friends and mentors.
And... and I have a handful of magical geas on me to keep me from slipping. Those are things I've always had, like my daylight ring.
[ He leans into Charles' touch, thankful for it. Even if deep down he's afraid of losing it talking about this. Because in the end, he has had an easy life and more or less celebrated being a vampire for years. Charles has never had that, has had the hard life many of them had. Even Kyle's first mentor, his sire, hadn't been like others.
As Charles settles next to him, Kyle offers his hand between them. Not forcing that simple intimacy but offering the comfort and touch ]
Then let's not, Charles. I would never want anything from you that you're not comfortable with. I never want anything you are eager for. I know how it can be otherwise, and I don't want that from anyone. Especially not you.
[ He turns slightly to look at Charles, to press a bit closer if he lets him. ]
There is so much we can share, Charles. Things we can't with anyone else but one another, that never has to make you worry about control. I am here for you, no matter what happens, but the least thing I want is for something to happen to make you upset with yourself because of me.
[ He knows he only knows a tiny bit of what Charles has been through, and can only imagine the things he fears in his loss of control. Kyle had killed once in bloodlust. The person came back and forgave him. Kyle never had forgiven himself, and Charles had never had that chance to hear it from his victims. ]
All of those things are true, but they don't make your experiences irrelevant to mine, [Charles makes a point to insist. The one time he'd raked the other man over the coals for being young, had been shortsighted. Time and thought about their argument have eased him to seeing that. Him being inscrutable, intimidating, or difficult for a younger vampire to relate to, is a matter of him refusing to open up and share himself and his history.] We're both still vampires; We'll always have more in common between us than not.
[He nods, accepting the other man's hand and proximity, as Kyle gives him the freedom to refuse, and accepts his discomfort without judgment. It's a relief, as much as it comes with the smallest stingings of regret and insecurity: the man had seemed excited about the prospect of their intimacy having a vampiric quality.
But he knows he can't compromise on this. Won't. Not now. Not while he finds the idea as repulsive as he does. Charles nods, giving Kyle's hand a squeeze as he tries to decide where to go from here. The man's already giving so much of himself at this moment, in surrendering up the idea of something he might want, that he doesn't want to ask for more.]
Could you tell me how you feel about it? [That feels better than looking for reassurance in a more direct way.] Do you want... violence? [His face scrunches reflexively as the words leave his mouth. Yeah, that was probably a bad way to put that, but he isn't sure how else to.] Whether with me, or in general?
That has been something I have appreciated, beyond the man you are and how wonderful and amazing I think you are. You understand things about me that others don't. That I can't even explain to them. And...
[ He pauses then, considering that for a moment. ]
And even the things I don't think I can tell anyone else. I know I can tell you.
[ Which is why they have this talk at all. At least in his mind.
And is why Kyle shakes his head about violence as well. ]
No, not violence. I had things with my sire I still don't know if they were my desires or his, but they were horrific in so many senses of the word.
That said, to me biting is not the same as violence. I have those that willingly give me blood and it is, more often than not, an intimacy. So that's what it is for me. So I would gladly share with you, but not as part of violence or cruelty, but as intimacy. But I don't need that.
[ He rushes to add the rest. ]
Because I love you and I care about you and I want to share things that we want. Never just because one of us wants it.
[ He's had that before, both as a human and a vampire, and he's promised himself he deserves more. It's what others want him to realize as well, and he knows that. ]
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mattersofscience) wrote2016-05-31 10:57 pm
no subject
What if he did try something different, and tried to allow himself to relinquish a little responsibility?
Fanciful and silly. But maybe worth seeing what comes of it, for once? At least trying it? And then if it's not something he's suited for the way he already assumes, he can discard the idea again.]
Is there anything I ought to know beforehand? [A slightly confused, and calculating pause.] You don't have to wear jeans to ride a motorcycle, do you? [Not that he would mind, exactly, he.... just doesn't own any.] Everyone on motorcycles always seems to be wearing jeans, [he explains, belatedly.]
no subject
You don't have to wear jeans and I promise I'll be dressed up too. I have clips to keep your trousers safe. Promise.
[ Kyle smiles though as he leans in, kissing the corner of Charles' mouth. ]
Though, if you want, I can wear leathers. Not that I think you're looking for a bad boy image from me, of all people.
Otherwise you just have to not make sudden movements, and stay close to me.
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The confusion doesn't last long, though, before Kyle kissing him pulls him out of his thoughts. He blinks, and then auburn eyebrows twitch up with something that's between surprised, and in a flash of a less guarded moment, being a little charmed by the other vampire offering again to protect him.]
No, [he admits with an amused sound, as Kyle reads him in one.] I'm afraid I haven't seen much of the appeal. Too much time spent in the East End being cornered by vampires in leather pants, I think. 'Bad boy' there always meant something very real.
[But the thought is a little tantalizing? That's... not as usual.]
no subject
It's kind of funny. Some of the most dangerous men I've known wore tailored suits. I'm still uncertain about the closet full of them I have.
[ A dictator from another planet. An original vampire. ]
Or military uniforms.
But we could both wear jeans. A little casual so we can be comfortable and whatever comes of the night?
no subject
He puts a pin it in for now, as something to ask Kyle more about later. Maybe while on this latest date.]
Why not? [Why not? He's sure he could find something appropriate on short notice, in the end.] If we're already going to be on a motorcycle. [Jeans are so punk rock.]
When do you want to do this?
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Perfect. I admit, I'm looking forward to seeing you in jeans.
[ It isn't as if they haven't been intimate, but there's something about Charles being willing to dress down for them going out together that he finds intriguing and fun. ]
And how about this weekend? I think I can clear it with work that we're both off.
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If it's at all as intriguing as that, then it seems like the right choice. [Mental note: buy jeans. That won't take long or involve having to make a lot of personal aesthetic choices, right?
And at that, Charles nods, and then takes the other man's face in his hands to kiss him again.]
There are definite advantages to knowing the administrator.
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[ Not thinking about the fact that he might not even own them, seeing it more as a professional choice. Even as they tease about that with the time off and what follows.
Sliding a hand along Charles waist, just wanting to continue with those kisses as he chuckles softly. ]
I'll pick you up then about seven and I've got some ideas for the night.
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He follows that feeling, and puts his arms around Kyle to further close the distance between them.] Really.
[It's safe to say that, when he trusts Kyle wouldn't put either of them in some kind of position they didn't truly want. Even if that was discovered after the fact.]
no subject
Which is why it makes his chest feel tight and he can feel the prickling at the corner of his eyes as he shifts in with that touch, leaning in close as he kisses Charles tenderly. Yet there's a lot of emotions in that kiss. The talk may be about jeans, but they still mean a lot to him. ]
You know I feel the same, right? There's very little I think I'd want to deny you.
[ Kyle wants Charles to know it isn't blind trust, the kind he's dealt with in the past. No, it's about trust in the other, and faith in who they are. ]
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This is who Kyle is, after all. Unguarded in his emotions, and he truly appreciates that about this man -- or maybe it's just that he appreciates him, wholly.]
No? [Charles smiles again, and it's very likely the most entirely warm and loving, and wholly unclouded by any kind of pensiveness, anxiety, or moroseness, smile, that Kyle's ever seen from him in the city.] Then maybe you'll allow me to take a little advantage of your generosity now.
Do you want to go inside with me? [He means something very specific by this.]
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His entire chest just tightens, his heart feeling like it's fluttering as he takes in that smile. It's one of the best moments that Kyle is thankful for his type of vampire's eidetic memory, because being able to remember that smile feels like a gift. ]
You are welcome to take advantage of anything you want right now. [ He takes Charles' hand and lifts it, kissing the back of his knuckles. ]
I'd love to.
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And then he turns around, follows the direction his heart is pushing him in right now, and presses himself to the other vampire. There's a little "bump" as the other man's back hits the door behind them lightly, and Charles wraps his hands around the hinges of Kyle's jaw to press their lips together in a passionate, but fundamentally unhurried and savouring, kiss.
None of what's happening is anything that can't be shrugged off, or slowed down if Charles is pressed for that-- he's being deliberately attentive to any physical signals he may feel himself getting from the other man.
But there is a patient kind of passion, and need, in how he kisses the other vampire and starts to smooth an appreciative touch over the length of Kyle's torso.]
no subject
But when it's with someone he cares about like he does Charles, he doesn't have any desire to slow down. No desire to fight the urges that drive him, and the emotions that swell in his chest.
The moment his back "hits" the wall, his hands slide along the narrow line of Charles' hips as he arches up against the other man. Not pushing or grinding, just wanting to be near to him, to feel the press of Charles' body against the line of his own.
There's no hiding his desire though in that kiss, the heat of need that brings a small groan from him just at the way the other man tastes, the feel of his touch. ]
no subject
As they kiss and touch one another, there is, too, a sudden and unexpected swell of -- something as Kyle presses against him. It feels like an echo of recognition within him as his lone hand dips, and then slides beneath the hem of Kyle's shirt to start mapping the chill, deliberately-sculpted muscles of the other man's torso. He hates so many aspects of his vampirism - what it's cost him, all the suffering it's brought him ever since he turned, the wicked creature it's made him by default - but is that the source of this feeling? What this is? It feels oddly some kind of innate, animal recognition in being like this with someone else in this way who is the same. There's a confusing feeling of correctness to it - as if they're drone bees crawling over one another in the singular hive, and broader family they belong to. Pieces sliding into the larger puzzle they create together.
It's repulsive and perplexing on a certain level, but also deeply and innately compelling all at once. Charles' hands halt for the briefest moment as he searches himself, automatically, for the beginnings of bloodlust -- that hated condition that always seems to be the source of something new, and frightening happening to him through his vampirism -- and discovers that he's... fine. No fangs. No claws. It's immediately a bizarrely similar situation to when he'd worried about his sexual experience with Caden turning into something violent and terrifying for them both. But there's just ...
nothing.
He's himself. Only-- more, as he touches the other vampire with passion, too. He can feel it. He doesn't know how he knows it, but he does.
Charles immediately works to master the feeling by pouring himself back into the other man again. With a last kiss, he reaches down to take both of Kyle's hands on his hips in his own, squeezing tightly. He then leads them to the nearby couch to settle them both down into it, his knees on either side of Kyle's hips.]
Do you feel that, too? [He honestly has no clue if the other man's specific kind of vampire might be able to, or not: recognize the apparent physical ... sympathy here that feels so clear to him. It would be helpful, make this less confusing if Kyle can, but Charles isn't holding his figurative breath. They aren't the same kind of vampire -- aren't from the same world.]
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Yet there is something about being with some people that makes it an entirely different experience. One that he can't entirely explain, doesn't try to, just wants to luxuriate in those sensation for as long as he can.
And yet, of all of that, there is little that he's ever felt that feels like this. Like the way everything seems to go brighter and heavier in all the best ways Kyle can imagine. It's a sensation that Kyle can't put his finger on as everything feel more... more alive was the only way he could describe it, even if he knew that wasn't accurate in anyway.
So when Charles hesitates, Kyle can't help the sound he makes. Soft and plaintive, needful as his arms wrapped tighter around him to feel the press of the taller man's body against his own. Not willing to move away, aching for more of just those kisses, the way Charles' taste on his tongue, and that sensation he can't describe as he lets Charles guide him to the couch.
Controlling his fall back onto the cushions, arching up to press soft kisses where he can. On Charles' chest, against the side of his neck before his head lays back to look up at the other vampire. He blinks at him before slowly nodding. ]
You can feel it too? Really?
[ He hadn't counted on that. Hoped but hadn't been ready to assume. ]
Are you telling me you're magical too?
[ He smiles as he says it, nuzzling at the edge of Charles' jaw, not wanting to lose those tiny touches yet. Or ever. ]
just rediscovered this notif! apologies
They're not yet at the point in their relationship where he'd recognize this as being something he needs to try and communicate to the other man. But Kyle does it for him anyway, when the other man confirms the apparent connection forming between them. It's not what Charles is expecting at all, and he does stop completely now, watching the other man with evident surprise.
This feels a bit awkward when he's slowing them down, but still sitting over Kyle's lap and pressed against the other man's groin. But there's not much help for that aspect. Charles' hands smooth uncertainly down the other vampire's chest, stopping partway, the tips of his fingers lingering on Kyle's torso, as he's stuck between his own thoughts and the desire to continue going further with his-- now boyfriend.]
I don't know, [he admits. But he would hesitate to call something that feels more animal and instinctual to him, something romantic like 'magical'.
He'll try to lean on the other man's understanding now, when it feels far beyond what he has of this.]
Is this... a risk? [That's what's most important. If either of them are going to end up feeling triggered to a lack of control by having sex, all of this is out of the question-- especially in an open setting like Kyle's house. The thought is a painful one, but he doesn't want what he intends as an act of love, to turn into one of violence or degradation for either of them.] When you've felt it before? Has it ever brought you to bloodlust with another vampire?
never a worry. i've had it happen to
And he knows that.
He doesn't know what other vampires. He's lived openly when most never have, but he hasn't experienced as much of their life as others have. Yet he's felt something akin to this. Just once in that time.
Physically he aches to go on, but there's nothing in the man he is that would push any further. Even as his hand lifts, cupping Charles' jaw a moment and then a delicate brush along his shoulder. Just steady himself in those sensations with those soft touches and meeting his gaze. ]
The closest I have felt to this was with my sire, but it wasn't this... clear? I don't know how to explain it, because it's not the same. Not to me.
[ Because to him all of this feels so different, so right in ways things in the past haven't. ]
I want to tell you there's no risk because of the men we are, and the vampires we both want to be. Not because I want you and crave you, which I admit I do, but because I know who we are.
[ He pauses a moment, wanting to be as honest as he can. ]
When I've let myself be claimed by bloodlust, it was a decision, Charles. All but once and that had nothing to do with love and desire but pain. That decision can not be taken from me. I won't say I wouldn't not want to share blood with you, but we haven't talked about if that's something you want, or would work with your vampirism and mine and...
[ He pauses, smiling sheepishly. ]
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I trust myself. Even with you. Do you trust yourself? Because what I know is that it's about conscious choices but I know we're not the same in some things.
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It's a lot. Helpfully, Kyle centres it all around a question that's easy to answer, and that he knows his answer for readily. He does not trust himself in his vampirism. He can't imagine how he could begin to, when bloodlust strips him of any sense of control over himself.
Charles fights the desire to pull himself completely away before at least explaining himself. Kyle deserves that much from him.]
I think it must be a different experience for us both. Tell me if I'm wrong in that. [He exhales out his regret, and raises a hand to brush longing fingers over the line of the other man's jaw. All of this started out so well. Shifting a bit, he moves to settle himself beside Kyle on the couch instead, his shoulder pressed into the other man's, as he brings a hand up to pull fingers stressfully through his auburn hair.]
I don't trust myself in what bloodlust makes me into. When I experience it, I want to hurt people. I get satisfaction from it. [He struggles to see that as anything but horrific: being reduced from a fully self-controlled and moral being, into little more than an animal.]
I'm aware that's different with another vampire, but what if I didn't come back before going as far as to do something you couldn't heal from easily? [Naturally, and as prone to preparing himself for the worst case scenario as he is, it's difficult to imagine much less than himself taking things to the extent of killing the other man in some way. It's happened to him before, but never with a vampire that he didn't actually need to kill.] We're healers. However we may fail in that from time to time, isn't something like wanting to hurt people antithetical to who we are-- who we try to be?
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He's had a daylight ring, and then a tattoo, from the moment he emerged from the water. he's never lived in shadows, never had to hide what he is, and he's always been in a place with magic to help his control and others to stop him without trying to kill him if and when he did lose control. ]
You're not wrong. Not at all. I've lived the... [ He pauses, considering how to word it, and when it hits him he gives a dry laugh. ] I've lived the Disneyfied version of being a vampire the entire time. My sire was the first of his kind. I've always had protections and friends and mentors.
And... and I have a handful of magical geas on me to keep me from slipping. Those are things I've always had, like my daylight ring.
[ He leans into Charles' touch, thankful for it. Even if deep down he's afraid of losing it talking about this. Because in the end, he has had an easy life and more or less celebrated being a vampire for years. Charles has never had that, has had the hard life many of them had. Even Kyle's first mentor, his sire, hadn't been like others.
As Charles settles next to him, Kyle offers his hand between them. Not forcing that simple intimacy but offering the comfort and touch ]
Then let's not, Charles. I would never want anything from you that you're not comfortable with. I never want anything you are eager for. I know how it can be otherwise, and I don't want that from anyone. Especially not you.
[ He turns slightly to look at Charles, to press a bit closer if he lets him. ]
There is so much we can share, Charles. Things we can't with anyone else but one another, that never has to make you worry about control. I am here for you, no matter what happens, but the least thing I want is for something to happen to make you upset with yourself because of me.
[ He knows he only knows a tiny bit of what Charles has been through, and can only imagine the things he fears in his loss of control. Kyle had killed once in bloodlust. The person came back and forgave him. Kyle never had forgiven himself, and Charles had never had that chance to hear it from his victims. ]
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[He nods, accepting the other man's hand and proximity, as Kyle gives him the freedom to refuse, and accepts his discomfort without judgment. It's a relief, as much as it comes with the smallest stingings of regret and insecurity: the man had seemed excited about the prospect of their intimacy having a vampiric quality.
But he knows he can't compromise on this. Won't. Not now. Not while he finds the idea as repulsive as he does. Charles nods, giving Kyle's hand a squeeze as he tries to decide where to go from here. The man's already giving so much of himself at this moment, in surrendering up the idea of something he might want, that he doesn't want to ask for more.]
Could you tell me how you feel about it? [That feels better than looking for reassurance in a more direct way.] Do you want... violence? [His face scrunches reflexively as the words leave his mouth. Yeah, that was probably a bad way to put that, but he isn't sure how else to.] Whether with me, or in general?
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[ He pauses then, considering that for a moment. ]
And even the things I don't think I can tell anyone else. I know I can tell you.
[ Which is why they have this talk at all. At least in his mind.
And is why Kyle shakes his head about violence as well. ]
No, not violence. I had things with my sire I still don't know if they were my desires or his, but they were horrific in so many senses of the word.
That said, to me biting is not the same as violence. I have those that willingly give me blood and it is, more often than not, an intimacy. So that's what it is for me. So I would gladly share with you, but not as part of violence or cruelty, but as intimacy. But I don't need that.
[ He rushes to add the rest. ]
Because I love you and I care about you and I want to share things that we want. Never just because one of us wants it.
[ He's had that before, both as a human and a vampire, and he's promised himself he deserves more. It's what others want him to realize as well, and he knows that. ]