[The other man wants him to keep going, and he wants that too, but he's still stumbling over the odd, and innate sensations of physical connection he's feeling. He could scent the other man's growing arousal before, but how he can feel what apparently are tendrils of it curling in his own body. As if the other man's emotions and sensations are spilling warmly over into him, a distant mirror for Kyle's self. He's deliberately never been a part of a circle of other vampires before, and he doesn't know if it's something that worsens the vampiric condition in those connected through one. This isn't that, surely - they made no direct attempt to connect through any kind of vampiric psychic abilities on either side - but is it similar in some sense? All of this is confusing, but perhaps it's... safe, when they aren't the same kind of vampire? He's immediately suspicious of that aspect, the same way he is with anything to do with his vampirism. The suspicion is necessary, when he can't trust his condition to allow him to make reasonable nor non-violent choices when it's out of his control.
They're not yet at the point in their relationship where he'd recognize this as being something he needs to try and communicate to the other man. But Kyle does it for him anyway, when the other man confirms the apparent connection forming between them. It's not what Charles is expecting at all, and he does stop completely now, watching the other man with evident surprise.
This feels a bit awkward when he's slowing them down, but still sitting over Kyle's lap and pressed against the other man's groin. But there's not much help for that aspect. Charles' hands smooth uncertainly down the other vampire's chest, stopping partway, the tips of his fingers lingering on Kyle's torso, as he's stuck between his own thoughts and the desire to continue going further with his-- now boyfriend.]
I don't know, [he admits. But he would hesitate to call something that feels more animal and instinctual to him, something romantic like 'magical'.
He'll try to lean on the other man's understanding now, when it feels far beyond what he has of this.]
Is this... a risk? [That's what's most important. If either of them are going to end up feeling triggered to a lack of control by having sex, all of this is out of the question-- especially in an open setting like Kyle's house. The thought is a painful one, but he doesn't want what he intends as an act of love, to turn into one of violence or degradation for either of them.] When you've felt it before? Has it ever brought you to bloodlust with another vampire?
[ While it's only been a little over five years since Kyle has been in this place, and four years since he was turned, it feels like a lifetime in so many ways. He knows it's from the constant madness they're surrounded with, the life or death situations, the drugs and the emotions and everything else that comes with it all. It has left him feeling like he's experienced so much more life than he has as a vampire.
And he knows that.
He doesn't know what other vampires. He's lived openly when most never have, but he hasn't experienced as much of their life as others have. Yet he's felt something akin to this. Just once in that time.
Physically he aches to go on, but there's nothing in the man he is that would push any further. Even as his hand lifts, cupping Charles' jaw a moment and then a delicate brush along his shoulder. Just steady himself in those sensations with those soft touches and meeting his gaze. ]
The closest I have felt to this was with my sire, but it wasn't this... clear? I don't know how to explain it, because it's not the same. Not to me.
[ Because to him all of this feels so different, so right in ways things in the past haven't. ]
I want to tell you there's no risk because of the men we are, and the vampires we both want to be. Not because I want you and crave you, which I admit I do, but because I know who we are.
[ He pauses a moment, wanting to be as honest as he can. ]
When I've let myself be claimed by bloodlust, it was a decision, Charles. All but once and that had nothing to do with love and desire but pain. That decision can not be taken from me. I won't say I wouldn't not want to share blood with you, but we haven't talked about if that's something you want, or would work with your vampirism and mine and...
[ He pauses, smiling sheepishly. ]
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I trust myself. Even with you. Do you trust yourself? Because what I know is that it's about conscious choices but I know we're not the same in some things.
[Immediately, there's a confusing swell of emotions that tangle together all at once for the vampire: not wanting to potentially disappoint or hurt the other man by pulling away, not wanting to prove that he has the barriers he does have with many kinds of physical intimacy, the revulsion he feels reflexively at the idea of what he imagines 'sharing blood' to mean (a flash of a mental image of sharing someone else's blood, which he quickly dismisses as what Kyle must not mean), jealousy over the ease the other vampire seems to feel in discussing all of this, and concurrent guilt and shame over his own self-loathing and hesitation in comparison.
It's a lot. Helpfully, Kyle centres it all around a question that's easy to answer, and that he knows his answer for readily. He does not trust himself in his vampirism. He can't imagine how he could begin to, when bloodlust strips him of any sense of control over himself.
Charles fights the desire to pull himself completely away before at least explaining himself. Kyle deserves that much from him.]
I think it must be a different experience for us both. Tell me if I'm wrong in that. [He exhales out his regret, and raises a hand to brush longing fingers over the line of the other man's jaw. All of this started out so well. Shifting a bit, he moves to settle himself beside Kyle on the couch instead, his shoulder pressed into the other man's, as he brings a hand up to pull fingers stressfully through his auburn hair.]
I don't trust myself in what bloodlust makes me into. When I experience it, I want to hurt people. I get satisfaction from it. [He struggles to see that as anything but horrific: being reduced from a fully self-controlled and moral being, into little more than an animal.]
I'm aware that's different with another vampire, but what if I didn't come back before going as far as to do something you couldn't heal from easily? [Naturally, and as prone to preparing himself for the worst case scenario as he is, it's difficult to imagine much less than himself taking things to the extent of killing the other man in some way. It's happened to him before, but never with a vampire that he didn't actually need to kill.] We're healers. However we may fail in that from time to time, isn't something like wanting to hurt people antithetical to who we are-- who we try to be?
[ Kyle's expression softens when Charles speaks. Because he knows from what others have told him that his experience is so different from what others have been through. Anyone who was openly a hunter in this place was easily outnumbered by the number of vampires in this place at any given time.
He's had a daylight ring, and then a tattoo, from the moment he emerged from the water. he's never lived in shadows, never had to hide what he is, and he's always been in a place with magic to help his control and others to stop him without trying to kill him if and when he did lose control. ]
You're not wrong. Not at all. I've lived the... [ He pauses, considering how to word it, and when it hits him he gives a dry laugh. ] I've lived the Disneyfied version of being a vampire the entire time. My sire was the first of his kind. I've always had protections and friends and mentors.
And... and I have a handful of magical geas on me to keep me from slipping. Those are things I've always had, like my daylight ring.
[ He leans into Charles' touch, thankful for it. Even if deep down he's afraid of losing it talking about this. Because in the end, he has had an easy life and more or less celebrated being a vampire for years. Charles has never had that, has had the hard life many of them had. Even Kyle's first mentor, his sire, hadn't been like others.
As Charles settles next to him, Kyle offers his hand between them. Not forcing that simple intimacy but offering the comfort and touch ]
Then let's not, Charles. I would never want anything from you that you're not comfortable with. I never want anything you are eager for. I know how it can be otherwise, and I don't want that from anyone. Especially not you.
[ He turns slightly to look at Charles, to press a bit closer if he lets him. ]
There is so much we can share, Charles. Things we can't with anyone else but one another, that never has to make you worry about control. I am here for you, no matter what happens, but the least thing I want is for something to happen to make you upset with yourself because of me.
[ He knows he only knows a tiny bit of what Charles has been through, and can only imagine the things he fears in his loss of control. Kyle had killed once in bloodlust. The person came back and forgave him. Kyle never had forgiven himself, and Charles had never had that chance to hear it from his victims. ]
All of those things are true, but they don't make your experiences irrelevant to mine, [Charles makes a point to insist. The one time he'd raked the other man over the coals for being young, had been shortsighted. Time and thought about their argument have eased him to seeing that. Him being inscrutable, intimidating, or difficult for a younger vampire to relate to, is a matter of him refusing to open up and share himself and his history.] We're both still vampires; We'll always have more in common between us than not.
[He nods, accepting the other man's hand and proximity, as Kyle gives him the freedom to refuse, and accepts his discomfort without judgment. It's a relief, as much as it comes with the smallest stingings of regret and insecurity: the man had seemed excited about the prospect of their intimacy having a vampiric quality.
But he knows he can't compromise on this. Won't. Not now. Not while he finds the idea as repulsive as he does. Charles nods, giving Kyle's hand a squeeze as he tries to decide where to go from here. The man's already giving so much of himself at this moment, in surrendering up the idea of something he might want, that he doesn't want to ask for more.]
Could you tell me how you feel about it? [That feels better than looking for reassurance in a more direct way.] Do you want... violence? [His face scrunches reflexively as the words leave his mouth. Yeah, that was probably a bad way to put that, but he isn't sure how else to.] Whether with me, or in general?
That has been something I have appreciated, beyond the man you are and how wonderful and amazing I think you are. You understand things about me that others don't. That I can't even explain to them. And...
[ He pauses then, considering that for a moment. ]
And even the things I don't think I can tell anyone else. I know I can tell you.
[ Which is why they have this talk at all. At least in his mind.
And is why Kyle shakes his head about violence as well. ]
No, not violence. I had things with my sire I still don't know if they were my desires or his, but they were horrific in so many senses of the word.
That said, to me biting is not the same as violence. I have those that willingly give me blood and it is, more often than not, an intimacy. So that's what it is for me. So I would gladly share with you, but not as part of violence or cruelty, but as intimacy. But I don't need that.
[ He rushes to add the rest. ]
Because I love you and I care about you and I want to share things that we want. Never just because one of us wants it.
[ He's had that before, both as a human and a vampire, and he's promised himself he deserves more. It's what others want him to realize as well, and he knows that. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mattersofscience) wrote2016-05-31 10:57 pm
just rediscovered this notif! apologies
They're not yet at the point in their relationship where he'd recognize this as being something he needs to try and communicate to the other man. But Kyle does it for him anyway, when the other man confirms the apparent connection forming between them. It's not what Charles is expecting at all, and he does stop completely now, watching the other man with evident surprise.
This feels a bit awkward when he's slowing them down, but still sitting over Kyle's lap and pressed against the other man's groin. But there's not much help for that aspect. Charles' hands smooth uncertainly down the other vampire's chest, stopping partway, the tips of his fingers lingering on Kyle's torso, as he's stuck between his own thoughts and the desire to continue going further with his-- now boyfriend.]
I don't know, [he admits. But he would hesitate to call something that feels more animal and instinctual to him, something romantic like 'magical'.
He'll try to lean on the other man's understanding now, when it feels far beyond what he has of this.]
Is this... a risk? [That's what's most important. If either of them are going to end up feeling triggered to a lack of control by having sex, all of this is out of the question-- especially in an open setting like Kyle's house. The thought is a painful one, but he doesn't want what he intends as an act of love, to turn into one of violence or degradation for either of them.] When you've felt it before? Has it ever brought you to bloodlust with another vampire?
never a worry. i've had it happen to
And he knows that.
He doesn't know what other vampires. He's lived openly when most never have, but he hasn't experienced as much of their life as others have. Yet he's felt something akin to this. Just once in that time.
Physically he aches to go on, but there's nothing in the man he is that would push any further. Even as his hand lifts, cupping Charles' jaw a moment and then a delicate brush along his shoulder. Just steady himself in those sensations with those soft touches and meeting his gaze. ]
The closest I have felt to this was with my sire, but it wasn't this... clear? I don't know how to explain it, because it's not the same. Not to me.
[ Because to him all of this feels so different, so right in ways things in the past haven't. ]
I want to tell you there's no risk because of the men we are, and the vampires we both want to be. Not because I want you and crave you, which I admit I do, but because I know who we are.
[ He pauses a moment, wanting to be as honest as he can. ]
When I've let myself be claimed by bloodlust, it was a decision, Charles. All but once and that had nothing to do with love and desire but pain. That decision can not be taken from me. I won't say I wouldn't not want to share blood with you, but we haven't talked about if that's something you want, or would work with your vampirism and mine and...
[ He pauses, smiling sheepishly. ]
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I trust myself. Even with you. Do you trust yourself? Because what I know is that it's about conscious choices but I know we're not the same in some things.
no subject
It's a lot. Helpfully, Kyle centres it all around a question that's easy to answer, and that he knows his answer for readily. He does not trust himself in his vampirism. He can't imagine how he could begin to, when bloodlust strips him of any sense of control over himself.
Charles fights the desire to pull himself completely away before at least explaining himself. Kyle deserves that much from him.]
I think it must be a different experience for us both. Tell me if I'm wrong in that. [He exhales out his regret, and raises a hand to brush longing fingers over the line of the other man's jaw. All of this started out so well. Shifting a bit, he moves to settle himself beside Kyle on the couch instead, his shoulder pressed into the other man's, as he brings a hand up to pull fingers stressfully through his auburn hair.]
I don't trust myself in what bloodlust makes me into. When I experience it, I want to hurt people. I get satisfaction from it. [He struggles to see that as anything but horrific: being reduced from a fully self-controlled and moral being, into little more than an animal.]
I'm aware that's different with another vampire, but what if I didn't come back before going as far as to do something you couldn't heal from easily? [Naturally, and as prone to preparing himself for the worst case scenario as he is, it's difficult to imagine much less than himself taking things to the extent of killing the other man in some way. It's happened to him before, but never with a vampire that he didn't actually need to kill.] We're healers. However we may fail in that from time to time, isn't something like wanting to hurt people antithetical to who we are-- who we try to be?
no subject
He's had a daylight ring, and then a tattoo, from the moment he emerged from the water. he's never lived in shadows, never had to hide what he is, and he's always been in a place with magic to help his control and others to stop him without trying to kill him if and when he did lose control. ]
You're not wrong. Not at all. I've lived the... [ He pauses, considering how to word it, and when it hits him he gives a dry laugh. ] I've lived the Disneyfied version of being a vampire the entire time. My sire was the first of his kind. I've always had protections and friends and mentors.
And... and I have a handful of magical geas on me to keep me from slipping. Those are things I've always had, like my daylight ring.
[ He leans into Charles' touch, thankful for it. Even if deep down he's afraid of losing it talking about this. Because in the end, he has had an easy life and more or less celebrated being a vampire for years. Charles has never had that, has had the hard life many of them had. Even Kyle's first mentor, his sire, hadn't been like others.
As Charles settles next to him, Kyle offers his hand between them. Not forcing that simple intimacy but offering the comfort and touch ]
Then let's not, Charles. I would never want anything from you that you're not comfortable with. I never want anything you are eager for. I know how it can be otherwise, and I don't want that from anyone. Especially not you.
[ He turns slightly to look at Charles, to press a bit closer if he lets him. ]
There is so much we can share, Charles. Things we can't with anyone else but one another, that never has to make you worry about control. I am here for you, no matter what happens, but the least thing I want is for something to happen to make you upset with yourself because of me.
[ He knows he only knows a tiny bit of what Charles has been through, and can only imagine the things he fears in his loss of control. Kyle had killed once in bloodlust. The person came back and forgave him. Kyle never had forgiven himself, and Charles had never had that chance to hear it from his victims. ]
no subject
[He nods, accepting the other man's hand and proximity, as Kyle gives him the freedom to refuse, and accepts his discomfort without judgment. It's a relief, as much as it comes with the smallest stingings of regret and insecurity: the man had seemed excited about the prospect of their intimacy having a vampiric quality.
But he knows he can't compromise on this. Won't. Not now. Not while he finds the idea as repulsive as he does. Charles nods, giving Kyle's hand a squeeze as he tries to decide where to go from here. The man's already giving so much of himself at this moment, in surrendering up the idea of something he might want, that he doesn't want to ask for more.]
Could you tell me how you feel about it? [That feels better than looking for reassurance in a more direct way.] Do you want... violence? [His face scrunches reflexively as the words leave his mouth. Yeah, that was probably a bad way to put that, but he isn't sure how else to.] Whether with me, or in general?
no subject
[ He pauses then, considering that for a moment. ]
And even the things I don't think I can tell anyone else. I know I can tell you.
[ Which is why they have this talk at all. At least in his mind.
And is why Kyle shakes his head about violence as well. ]
No, not violence. I had things with my sire I still don't know if they were my desires or his, but they were horrific in so many senses of the word.
That said, to me biting is not the same as violence. I have those that willingly give me blood and it is, more often than not, an intimacy. So that's what it is for me. So I would gladly share with you, but not as part of violence or cruelty, but as intimacy. But I don't need that.
[ He rushes to add the rest. ]
Because I love you and I care about you and I want to share things that we want. Never just because one of us wants it.
[ He's had that before, both as a human and a vampire, and he's promised himself he deserves more. It's what others want him to realize as well, and he knows that. ]