[ Kyle's expression softens when Charles speaks. Because he knows from what others have told him that his experience is so different from what others have been through. Anyone who was openly a hunter in this place was easily outnumbered by the number of vampires in this place at any given time.
He's had a daylight ring, and then a tattoo, from the moment he emerged from the water. he's never lived in shadows, never had to hide what he is, and he's always been in a place with magic to help his control and others to stop him without trying to kill him if and when he did lose control. ]
You're not wrong. Not at all. I've lived the... [ He pauses, considering how to word it, and when it hits him he gives a dry laugh. ] I've lived the Disneyfied version of being a vampire the entire time. My sire was the first of his kind. I've always had protections and friends and mentors.
And... and I have a handful of magical geas on me to keep me from slipping. Those are things I've always had, like my daylight ring.
[ He leans into Charles' touch, thankful for it. Even if deep down he's afraid of losing it talking about this. Because in the end, he has had an easy life and more or less celebrated being a vampire for years. Charles has never had that, has had the hard life many of them had. Even Kyle's first mentor, his sire, hadn't been like others.
As Charles settles next to him, Kyle offers his hand between them. Not forcing that simple intimacy but offering the comfort and touch ]
Then let's not, Charles. I would never want anything from you that you're not comfortable with. I never want anything you are eager for. I know how it can be otherwise, and I don't want that from anyone. Especially not you.
[ He turns slightly to look at Charles, to press a bit closer if he lets him. ]
There is so much we can share, Charles. Things we can't with anyone else but one another, that never has to make you worry about control. I am here for you, no matter what happens, but the least thing I want is for something to happen to make you upset with yourself because of me.
[ He knows he only knows a tiny bit of what Charles has been through, and can only imagine the things he fears in his loss of control. Kyle had killed once in bloodlust. The person came back and forgave him. Kyle never had forgiven himself, and Charles had never had that chance to hear it from his victims. ]
All of those things are true, but they don't make your experiences irrelevant to mine, [Charles makes a point to insist. The one time he'd raked the other man over the coals for being young, had been shortsighted. Time and thought about their argument have eased him to seeing that. Him being inscrutable, intimidating, or difficult for a younger vampire to relate to, is a matter of him refusing to open up and share himself and his history.] We're both still vampires; We'll always have more in common between us than not.
[He nods, accepting the other man's hand and proximity, as Kyle gives him the freedom to refuse, and accepts his discomfort without judgment. It's a relief, as much as it comes with the smallest stingings of regret and insecurity: the man had seemed excited about the prospect of their intimacy having a vampiric quality.
But he knows he can't compromise on this. Won't. Not now. Not while he finds the idea as repulsive as he does. Charles nods, giving Kyle's hand a squeeze as he tries to decide where to go from here. The man's already giving so much of himself at this moment, in surrendering up the idea of something he might want, that he doesn't want to ask for more.]
Could you tell me how you feel about it? [That feels better than looking for reassurance in a more direct way.] Do you want... violence? [His face scrunches reflexively as the words leave his mouth. Yeah, that was probably a bad way to put that, but he isn't sure how else to.] Whether with me, or in general?
That has been something I have appreciated, beyond the man you are and how wonderful and amazing I think you are. You understand things about me that others don't. That I can't even explain to them. And...
[ He pauses then, considering that for a moment. ]
And even the things I don't think I can tell anyone else. I know I can tell you.
[ Which is why they have this talk at all. At least in his mind.
And is why Kyle shakes his head about violence as well. ]
No, not violence. I had things with my sire I still don't know if they were my desires or his, but they were horrific in so many senses of the word.
That said, to me biting is not the same as violence. I have those that willingly give me blood and it is, more often than not, an intimacy. So that's what it is for me. So I would gladly share with you, but not as part of violence or cruelty, but as intimacy. But I don't need that.
[ He rushes to add the rest. ]
Because I love you and I care about you and I want to share things that we want. Never just because one of us wants it.
[ He's had that before, both as a human and a vampire, and he's promised himself he deserves more. It's what others want him to realize as well, and he knows that. ]
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mattersofscience) wrote2016-05-31 10:57 pm
no subject
He's had a daylight ring, and then a tattoo, from the moment he emerged from the water. he's never lived in shadows, never had to hide what he is, and he's always been in a place with magic to help his control and others to stop him without trying to kill him if and when he did lose control. ]
You're not wrong. Not at all. I've lived the... [ He pauses, considering how to word it, and when it hits him he gives a dry laugh. ] I've lived the Disneyfied version of being a vampire the entire time. My sire was the first of his kind. I've always had protections and friends and mentors.
And... and I have a handful of magical geas on me to keep me from slipping. Those are things I've always had, like my daylight ring.
[ He leans into Charles' touch, thankful for it. Even if deep down he's afraid of losing it talking about this. Because in the end, he has had an easy life and more or less celebrated being a vampire for years. Charles has never had that, has had the hard life many of them had. Even Kyle's first mentor, his sire, hadn't been like others.
As Charles settles next to him, Kyle offers his hand between them. Not forcing that simple intimacy but offering the comfort and touch ]
Then let's not, Charles. I would never want anything from you that you're not comfortable with. I never want anything you are eager for. I know how it can be otherwise, and I don't want that from anyone. Especially not you.
[ He turns slightly to look at Charles, to press a bit closer if he lets him. ]
There is so much we can share, Charles. Things we can't with anyone else but one another, that never has to make you worry about control. I am here for you, no matter what happens, but the least thing I want is for something to happen to make you upset with yourself because of me.
[ He knows he only knows a tiny bit of what Charles has been through, and can only imagine the things he fears in his loss of control. Kyle had killed once in bloodlust. The person came back and forgave him. Kyle never had forgiven himself, and Charles had never had that chance to hear it from his victims. ]
no subject
[He nods, accepting the other man's hand and proximity, as Kyle gives him the freedom to refuse, and accepts his discomfort without judgment. It's a relief, as much as it comes with the smallest stingings of regret and insecurity: the man had seemed excited about the prospect of their intimacy having a vampiric quality.
But he knows he can't compromise on this. Won't. Not now. Not while he finds the idea as repulsive as he does. Charles nods, giving Kyle's hand a squeeze as he tries to decide where to go from here. The man's already giving so much of himself at this moment, in surrendering up the idea of something he might want, that he doesn't want to ask for more.]
Could you tell me how you feel about it? [That feels better than looking for reassurance in a more direct way.] Do you want... violence? [His face scrunches reflexively as the words leave his mouth. Yeah, that was probably a bad way to put that, but he isn't sure how else to.] Whether with me, or in general?
no subject
[ He pauses then, considering that for a moment. ]
And even the things I don't think I can tell anyone else. I know I can tell you.
[ Which is why they have this talk at all. At least in his mind.
And is why Kyle shakes his head about violence as well. ]
No, not violence. I had things with my sire I still don't know if they were my desires or his, but they were horrific in so many senses of the word.
That said, to me biting is not the same as violence. I have those that willingly give me blood and it is, more often than not, an intimacy. So that's what it is for me. So I would gladly share with you, but not as part of violence or cruelty, but as intimacy. But I don't need that.
[ He rushes to add the rest. ]
Because I love you and I care about you and I want to share things that we want. Never just because one of us wants it.
[ He's had that before, both as a human and a vampire, and he's promised himself he deserves more. It's what others want him to realize as well, and he knows that. ]